Alive

Well, we made it here. Barely.

The next time I come up with the ridiculous idea that I will fly 12 hours with Madeline on a cramped airline, someone please shoot me so I won't have to do it to myself mid-flight.  

In her defense, she was angelic for part of the flight, but the 2 1/2 hours of writhing and screaming and hysterical shrieking sort of has a way of canceling out the 10 hours of happy DVD watching and snuggling on daddy's lap.  It got so desperate that one of the flight attendants actually slipped us a bottle of whisky to "rub on Madeline's gums" and the worst part was that I actually really wanted to give it to her because ANYTHING, even making my child drunk had to be better than the feeling of complete and utter helplessness and frustration that I felt over my inability to just make her BE QUIET.  

And of course, as we were just about to touch down, she fell into deep slumber, exhausted from her two hours of screaming. And I looked down at her sleeping, sweaty, red, tear-stained face, and I couldn't help but feel a rush of love and pity for her - 12 hours is too long for even the most stalwart of toddlers (and we all know Maddie does not fall into that category) - but I will tell you this - nothing, NOTHING is going to make me get back on a plane with her - not unless either she or I, or both of us are heavily sedated with something a lot stronger than a free mini bottle of airplane whisky. 

Transition

I graduated from fellowship yesterday. I will finally, FINALLY be done with my INTERMINABLE training. How many years have I have been working towards this goal? WAY too many. When all my college friends were binge drinking and partying all weekend, I was studying away in the library, worrying about MCATs, and wondering if I would ever get into med school. When all my friends post-college were traipsing around Manhattan, making way too much money i-banking industry and partying even harder than they did in college, I was dissecting cadavers, or getting into the hospital at the ungodly hour of 4 am to pre-round on my surgical patients. And as my friends were being promoted to managers, or vice presidents, and settling down and having kids, I was still the low- man on the totem pole - still pre-rounding on patients - still getting in early in the morning- still kissing someone else's ass and STILL doing all the work for very little or no glory (or financial recompensation!).

Well, here I am, on the precipice of a new life. We are pretty much all packed up and ready for the movers. Our entire house is in boxes and we've been eating off paper plates and sleeping without pillowcases (I know, totally gross) for the past several days. If I eat one more pizza or thai/chinese take out dinner my colon just might rot. While I felt many weeks of jubilation prior to this, now that the moment has finally arrived, I have so many mixed feelings. Sad to leave behind my work and personal friends. Nervous about leaving the world of academia, which I do love, and which has always loved me back. Flutterings of hope about living in Hawaii, where we will have more family support, better job/life balance, more financial stability, and the possibility of becoming enmeshed in a community...ah, transitions are always bittersweet moments. Despite our struggles for the past several years, we have had so many wonderful moments together as a family here in the east coast. I will miss our life and friends here so much, and for now I am just living in the moment - the boxes - the packing tape - the take out meals - but every so often, I look forward and dream of our life to come.

Swagger

As much as I may complain about Maddie's feisty nature, there are times when I love it. I love seeing her swagger in our kitchen, full of mischief and determination. I love seeing that gleam in her eye, that certainty to her step, that absolute confidence in herself and in what she wants. I took her to "Reading Day" at the library, and after sitting politely for 5 minutes to the somewhat nervous librarian that was gamely singing his way through "The Wheels on The Bus", she gave me a skeptical look, stood and and announced to the room, "Bye bye. Maddie bye bye now", and with that proclamation, she said to me, "Mommy. Up.", grabbed my finger and marched right out of the room. God, I love it.

Don't get me wrong, there are days that I hate it too - like when I am trying to get her inside the house after a long day at daycare and work, when she is screaming and arching her back and yelling, "OUTSIDE! NO NO NO! OUTSIDE!!!" or when I am trying to get her in the bath and she is running butt naked around the upper level, laughing and yelling "No BATH NO BATH!" and all I want to do is get her bathed and to bed so I can eat some dinner...but most of the time I want to protect that little swagger. So many girls lose that absolute certainty, that confidence in themselves, as they hear from society that they aren't smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough...that they are too loud, too soft, too tall, too short...too whatever...

I want my Maddie to never lose that happy strut, to always have that confident gleam in her eye as she works her way around a room. I have a feeling that nothing can squelch my Maddie's true nature, but I promise to never try, no matter how badly I may want to go inside.

She's not a little baby anymore!

When we first moved to the DC area, I was about 4 1/2 months pregnant and I dutifully trekked from daycare to daycare placing ourselves on the wait list even though Maddie was nothing more than a vague concept and perhaps a little fluttering in my stomach from time to time.

I placed myself on the Childtime wait list, even though I was only 4 1/2 months pregnant because they warned me that despite the fact that I would not need daycare for almost a YEAR, I might not get of the wait list because of the general craziness of this over-saturated area (we won't go through THAT rant again). Anyway....I filled out a form with my application that said:

"What does your child/infant like to do?": Uh...flutter?
"What does your child/infant NOT like to do?": Uh, flutter?
"What does your child/infant like to eat?": Amniotic fluid??

This then progressed when Maddie was an infant to:

"What does your child/infant like to do?": Poop. Cry. Poop
"What does your child/infant NOT like to do?": Take naps.
"What does your child/infant like to eat?": Milk.

And now we can definitely say:

"What does your child/infant like to do?": Play with dogs, snuggle with mom and dad, point to her body parts, listen to music, dance to music, read books, watch Ni Hao Kao, blow bubbles, open the door, go OUTSIDE!

"What does your child/infant NOT like to do?": When she's in a bad mood...anything we want her to do. Come inside after daycare. Have her diaper changed.

"What does your child/infant like to eat?": Everything. Especially if mom is eating it.

My little baby is growing up fast!

This is why we're moving to Hawaii

Sorry for my long absence...things have been busy in the Loh-Austin household as we attempt to pack up our townhouse, rent out the place, finish up our jobs, and maintain our tenuous hold on sanity (deep breaths, deep breaths), all while entertaining a highly precocious 19 month old!

We celebrated David's sale of his car (in less than 12 hours from posting it on Craig's List!) with a tasty lunch at Lebanese Taverna. We were backing out of our parking space, lamenting all things we have left to do before our move, when a car came screeching around the corner and blocked us from pulling our car forward. When we waved at her (politely, I might add) to back up a little so we could pull forward, the driver of the car, a woman in a matching velour sweatsuit and heavy jewelry rolled down her window, extended her middle finger and said loudly, "F**K YOU. F**K YOU." I felt a swell of rage and was tempted to jump out of the car and rip off her middle finger (big ring and all). And *that* is precisely why we are moving to Hawaii. I have had enough of the crazy, entitled people here. Enough of the commute, enough of other people's road rage, enough of all of it. We're moving on to a better life. Amen.

Jeff and Caroline's Wedding

It's official, Jeff and Caroline are married! It was a beautiful wedding - and everything just felt so *right*. Jeff and Caroline are such a well matched couple. I have always loved Caroline, and now I have an even more profound respect for her. She got herself and all her bridesmaids to the church TEN MINUTES EARLY, she looked gorgeous, and not one moment of panic or anxiety the entire morning. She is a gem.




And of course Jeff looked thrilled to be marrying Caroline. Way back in college Caroline suggested that he sell off his Transformer collection so his life would be less cluttered, and Jeff actually agreed! We knew then that it would be forever.

Why it isn't a good idea to let an 18 month old help you make falafel

It only gets messier from here....



So we bought Maddie her own little table so she could sit during meals and hopefully learn some semblance of table manners. As you can see it is working swimmingly....

Here she is eating on the floor...covered in falafel flour...


Still not yet in the chair...

But happy with her milk and lasagna...



Just so you all know, we do clean her up every now and then, and boy is she cute when she's clean.
...

3 Years of Bliss

Well, it's official, we've been married for 3 years as of this week. If you count all those years of dating, we've been together for almost 10 1/2 years - can you believe it? That's a third of our lives. And even though it's been 10 years, it really only feels like a couple months. Time certainly does goes by fast when you are sharing it with your best friend.

Now, Lisa, my darling sister, told me that my blog seemed quite plaintive - and that my life was kind of pitiful. And so along that with that theme I will let you all know that David and I had a wonderful weekend planned to celebrate our anniversary. David's parents volunteered to take Maddie for the weekend (hooray! we love them), and the two of us booked a hotel in Philly and made plans to spend the weekend wandering around the city, re-enacting our pre-baby carefree days, lost in a fog of marital bliss. Can you believe that we have not spent a weekend alone since Madeline was born?

So anyway, our bags were packed, the grandparents were in town, and we went to pick up Maddie and daycare before leaving. And...she was lethargic when we picked her up. And bright red. And glassy eyed. And her temperature was 103 F.

Sigh. So our trip was canceled. So much for re-enacting our carefree pre-baby days.

But we are going to go out for sushi tonight. Just me and David. We'll drown ourselves in tuna rolls and pretend that we're looking at the liberty bell. Happy Anniversary!

Angel

Sometimes at the end of the day, Maddie won't let me put her down. But this photo was taken on one of Maddie's increasingly frequent "angel days". She's been easier lately, which proves that there is a higher deity out there.




On days like this she is so fun and adorable that I just want to pick her up and squish her because I love her so much.




Even with Yo Baby Yogurt smeared all over her face...

Safety

Madeline is OBSESSED with buckles.

Car seat buckles, stroller buckles, her "harness buddy (aka leash)" buckle, high chair buckles...you name it, Madeline wants to buckle it. Who knew that my little girl was so fascinated by safety? She definitely inherited that from her beloved daddy, who thinks I lack the capacity to correctly oversee her safety. Every night it is a new set of rules... "Don't let her run around the house with her dinner fork in her hand...don't let her hold the Tylenol bottle...don't let her stand in her stroller and jump up and down...don't let her lick poison from under the sink" Just kidding.

You would think this obsession with buckles could be a cute thing, but right now it is an incredible source of frustration for her. She has the intelligence to know how the buckles work, but her poor little hands are not quite dexterous, or strong enough to actually put the two piece together and make it snap close.

So for weeks, literally weeks, we have watched her try in vain to figure out all those various forms of buckles, sweating and panting from trying to force the two pieces together and finally, hallelujah, she managed to buckle her stroller today. Hooray!!

Except, then she freaked out that she couldn't get the buckle back apart.

So I undid it for her. And she re-buckled it...and then freaked out again when it wouldn't come back apart. And again. And again and again.

Hello, welcome to life with a toddler.