It's a booger

When Maddie was just a little infant, I used to revel in the fact that above everyone else, she preferred me. Well, I was the one with the boobs and milk, so it made sense, but I told myself it was because of my skillful parenting and overall wonderful personality, ha! Anyway, underneath all that delusional thinking, I am a realist at heart, and I did know that our relationship probably would not always be that way, but I didn't realize it would come to an end so soon. So what everyone says about how much little girls love and prefer their daddies has really come true in our house. Hey, I usually even prefer David to me, but I held out hope for a few brief, shining months that maybe I really was the more FUN and SWEET person in the house, but alas no, the truth always comes out in the end.

When I come home, Maddie gives me a sideways glance and either continues playing with her toys, or otherwise comes to me with an imperious, "UP MOMMY! PICK ME UP!" But when David comes home, she sprints to the door yelling in a high, happy voice, "MY DADDY MY DADDY IS HOOOOOMEEEE! MMMMMYYYY DAAADDDDYYYY" At night, I get kicked out of the Dora the Explorer Big Girl bed with a, "Mommy you go sleep in your own bed! (push push)" and I go out to the living room and like a forsaken dog, lie on the couch and get what scraps I can by eavesdropping on their nighttime bonding sessions. Usually, it is them reading books, or singing a strange medly of songs, "Lalala, lalala, Elmo's soooong....A, B, C, D, E, F,.....Row row row your boat...Dora dora dora the explorreerrr..." but last night as I heard David reading "Olivia", suddenly he stopped...then I heard

Maddie: "Daddy?? What's this?(giggle giggle)"

David: "I don't know, let me see."

David: "EEEWW! Did you just hand me a booger?!"

Maddie: snickering

David: laughing, too. "That's hilarious! You just handed me a booger!"

Maddie: wild, gleeful laughing, "It's a booger! It's my booger! Hahahaha"


And that's when I knew that she was David's child, 100%, right down to his eight year old sense of humor. So there are nights that I'm happy that I'm relegated to the couch, where I might not be included in the nightly love fest, but at least, thanks goodness, it's booger free.

Oh the preschool interview - it was horrible horrible horrible

In fact it was so bad, I had flashbacks to my childhood piano recitals, the ones where I couldn't remember my music and as soon as I played my first of many wrong notes, my mind would go blank, and I'd start sweating profusely and praying for the end to come quickly.

The biggest accomplishment was that there was no meltdown, no temper tantrum. But Maddie clung to me like a panicked octopus, and every time the teacher tried to come interview her, she cried pitifully, "Mommy, please, let's go, let's go outside." It was so heart-rending that finally, the teacher stopped even trying to engage us, and she just stood at a distance scribbling on her clipboard. Probably words like, "clingy", "unwilling to stay in classroom", "Mom looks sweaty and has a fake smile plastered on her face".

The other moms who had separated easily from their children, huddled on the other side of the room, smirking at me as I gamely tried distracting Maddie with a puzzle. "Oh poor thing. She's SHY" one said as she pointed to us. Her child played happily on the other side of the room, a model being READY! to function in a group setting. Screw her.

Well, we limped along for the entire tortured half hour. Every five minutes, Maddie would say, "Please, let's go ouside" as she clutched miserably at my leg. But she hung in there, as did I, despite the fact that I was drowning in a pool of embarrassment. Why couldn't Maddie separate from me? Is there something wrong with her? With me? With our parenting style? There is nothing like a pressure filled preschool interview to bring out your own internal insecurities.

As soon as time was up, Maddie and I bolted from the room. We weren't more than a few steps outside, when Maddie's tense, miserable posture disappeared, and she grabbed my hand and smiled, "Come on, Mommy. Let's go find my daddy and have FUN."
I don't know who was more relieved to leave that school, but all I can say is that we just aren't ready to join the pressure filled ranks of the private school obsessed. If it's this nuts applying for preschool, I can't wait for Kindergarten!

Six Months

Has it really been half a year since we moved? It's seemed at times like an eternity and at other times like no more than a few weeks. But when I look at pictures of Maddie, I realize how much time has actually passed. Although I slip and sometimes call her "my baby", she's truly a baby no more and really has become a little girl. She becomes more and more entertaining by the day and she is this fascinating combination of silly and sweet, demanding, yet independent, precocious and charming, stubborn and fierce. I look forward to each night when I can come home to her.


We are taking her tomorrow to a preschool "interview". Only in Hawaii (or I guess New York) are parents feverishly comparing which preschool "feeds" into the right private schools, and strategizing how to get their TWO year olds into the "right" preschool. Oh, the whole process makes me feel slightly nauseated. Granted, yes, I did go to Punahou, which in most people's eyes, especially alumni, and mine, is THE school in Hawaii. And because I loved my experience there, I want Maddie to go there. But, I'm torn. I'm not ready to join the legions of psycho parents who actually send their poor children to tutoring sessions to learn interviewing skills at the age of five so they can get into Punahou for Kindergarten. But, I would really like Maddie to have the same experience I did - the beauty of the school, the fabulous teachers, the strong sense of community, and the feeling fostered on campus that yes, you can be anything, and more!...but I guess all Hawaii parents want the same for their kids, and will do almost anything to get it.

So we applied to 2 very nice Montessori preschools...and we also decided to dip our feet into the world of private school neurosis, and we included one of these feeder preschools. And, because they have such an overwhelming number of applicants, they actually hold interviews for preschool slots. It boggles my mind. So we are to show up tomorrow morning at 8 am, Maddie in hand, dressed, fed, and suitably perky, where she is supposed to take place in a mock class and show her overall readiness to be a preschooler, and who the heck knows what else they are looking for. My mom said, "Oh I heard they want to weed out the physically handicapped kids, so they will ask her to walk forward and backwards and hop up and down." and then, she adds, "They didn't take you, or Jeff." Thanks Mom.

I have no idea of Maddie can walk backwards or hop on command. I am just hoping that she won't either cling to my neck, sucking her thumb in a fit of shynesss that I can only imagine would be misinterpreted as some social anxiety disorder or borderline autism, nor decide that she won't even enter the building and have a tremendous temper tantrum to prove her point.

Anyone who knows my girl at all, knows that asking her to hop on command like a trained monkey is like inviting a complete disaster. Maddie, when the mood suits here can be charming and so darn cute and smart. But when pressured to do something she doesn't want to do, she can throw a temper tantrum that would make the paint peel off the walls. I've been having nightmares that we show up to this interview with her writhing in the back seat wearing nothing but her socks because there are days that she just DOESN'T WANNA PUT ON HER PULL UPS.
Sigh.

First Day

Today was my first full day at work seeing patients.
Oomph. I'm tired.
I only saw a handful of patients but somehow it took me all day. Groan. The days of ukelele concerts and daily swims may be petering to an end...

Transitions (again)

Although this month started off kind of rough (aka: many many jet-lag inspired temper tantrums from my dear Maddie, and David's month of Bar prep hell)...

...we got over those two hurdles and began really enjoying ourselves. 

Maddie checking out the lone fish at the Honolulu Aquarium...

Listening to the ukelele concert at the Zoo...and buying orchids ...

View from Ka Iwi hike...ahhh....

Seriously,  sometimes I wake up and can't believe that I live in a place this beautiful.  The sound of the birds in the morning, the tradewinds...I feel the tension and stress of the past 10 years draining away day by day.  It's funny, because it isn't really the views from the beautiful hikes or the rainbows and sunsets that make the most difference - it comes down to the mundane little things that make life so much more manageable here. The short commute, the fact that people are civil while driving, the spacious house, the UNBELIEVEABLY good customer service...what it really boils down to is the fact that people here are NICE and COMPETENT. It is such an unbelievable combination that I haven't experienced in over 10 years.  The whole, "That's not my job!" mentality just doesn't exist here.   Amazing. Think about what America could be if people were civil and actually cared about their jobs and fellow citizens.  Maybe I am still too jaded  from working in urban hospitals....

So our month of relaxation has been winding to an end. Maddie started daycare again, and has been transitioning remarkably well. Her teacher, Ms. Kim stumbled on Maddie's profound love for Elmo on the first day and when I dropped her off on Day #2, all it took was her waving an Elmo phone and Elmo book in front of Maddie's face, and I was able to pluck my octopus- child off my neck with only semi-deafening shrieks, compared to the blood curdling screech of Day #1.  And while I worried and worried that Maddie would be traumatized by this whole transition, it goes to show you that children are far more resilient than their parents, because when I went to pick Maddie up on Day #1, she was drawing happily with crayons, and she looked up when I arrived, gestured casually to the seat next to her and said, "Sit down, Mama, Sit down." - totally at home in her new environment.  I am sad that our time at home together is coming to an end, but the Loh-Austins are a resilient family and it is time to restart on individual lives.  At least now we've got a couple rainbows to help brighten our every day.

Potty

So it has been quite an adventure our first week and a half here in Hawaii! I will post pictures when I can figure out how to get the pictures from my camera onto our new Mac (which I do love, but have no idea how to use after 15+ years as a PC user). 

This is the only picture that made it from my camera onto our computer: 

I have no idea why, but both mom and dad are fixated on toilet training Maddie.  Is this a Chinese thing or a generational thing? Who knows, but both of them insist that she be introduced to a potty just in case in a flash of brilliance she some how self trains herself.  And they expect this from the girl who took her diaper off last week while splashing in the sprinklers and was so absorbed in yelling, "WATER WATER! Maddie HAPPY!" that she pooped on the lanai? Ha ha. Fat chance.  

But we are a household of appeasement...and so the brand new potty is sitting in the corner of the bathroom and Maddie has been interested in it enough to sit on it a couple times, which filled Po Po with paroxysms of delight.  I, however, know my girl better, and she posed on the potty a couple of times to get some applause, and then she took her diaper off and peed on the floor. 

Alive

Well, we made it here. Barely.

The next time I come up with the ridiculous idea that I will fly 12 hours with Madeline on a cramped airline, someone please shoot me so I won't have to do it to myself mid-flight.  

In her defense, she was angelic for part of the flight, but the 2 1/2 hours of writhing and screaming and hysterical shrieking sort of has a way of canceling out the 10 hours of happy DVD watching and snuggling on daddy's lap.  It got so desperate that one of the flight attendants actually slipped us a bottle of whisky to "rub on Madeline's gums" and the worst part was that I actually really wanted to give it to her because ANYTHING, even making my child drunk had to be better than the feeling of complete and utter helplessness and frustration that I felt over my inability to just make her BE QUIET.  

And of course, as we were just about to touch down, she fell into deep slumber, exhausted from her two hours of screaming. And I looked down at her sleeping, sweaty, red, tear-stained face, and I couldn't help but feel a rush of love and pity for her - 12 hours is too long for even the most stalwart of toddlers (and we all know Maddie does not fall into that category) - but I will tell you this - nothing, NOTHING is going to make me get back on a plane with her - not unless either she or I, or both of us are heavily sedated with something a lot stronger than a free mini bottle of airplane whisky. 

Transition

I graduated from fellowship yesterday. I will finally, FINALLY be done with my INTERMINABLE training. How many years have I have been working towards this goal? WAY too many. When all my college friends were binge drinking and partying all weekend, I was studying away in the library, worrying about MCATs, and wondering if I would ever get into med school. When all my friends post-college were traipsing around Manhattan, making way too much money i-banking industry and partying even harder than they did in college, I was dissecting cadavers, or getting into the hospital at the ungodly hour of 4 am to pre-round on my surgical patients. And as my friends were being promoted to managers, or vice presidents, and settling down and having kids, I was still the low- man on the totem pole - still pre-rounding on patients - still getting in early in the morning- still kissing someone else's ass and STILL doing all the work for very little or no glory (or financial recompensation!).

Well, here I am, on the precipice of a new life. We are pretty much all packed up and ready for the movers. Our entire house is in boxes and we've been eating off paper plates and sleeping without pillowcases (I know, totally gross) for the past several days. If I eat one more pizza or thai/chinese take out dinner my colon just might rot. While I felt many weeks of jubilation prior to this, now that the moment has finally arrived, I have so many mixed feelings. Sad to leave behind my work and personal friends. Nervous about leaving the world of academia, which I do love, and which has always loved me back. Flutterings of hope about living in Hawaii, where we will have more family support, better job/life balance, more financial stability, and the possibility of becoming enmeshed in a community...ah, transitions are always bittersweet moments. Despite our struggles for the past several years, we have had so many wonderful moments together as a family here in the east coast. I will miss our life and friends here so much, and for now I am just living in the moment - the boxes - the packing tape - the take out meals - but every so often, I look forward and dream of our life to come.

Swagger

As much as I may complain about Maddie's feisty nature, there are times when I love it. I love seeing her swagger in our kitchen, full of mischief and determination. I love seeing that gleam in her eye, that certainty to her step, that absolute confidence in herself and in what she wants. I took her to "Reading Day" at the library, and after sitting politely for 5 minutes to the somewhat nervous librarian that was gamely singing his way through "The Wheels on The Bus", she gave me a skeptical look, stood and and announced to the room, "Bye bye. Maddie bye bye now", and with that proclamation, she said to me, "Mommy. Up.", grabbed my finger and marched right out of the room. God, I love it.

Don't get me wrong, there are days that I hate it too - like when I am trying to get her inside the house after a long day at daycare and work, when she is screaming and arching her back and yelling, "OUTSIDE! NO NO NO! OUTSIDE!!!" or when I am trying to get her in the bath and she is running butt naked around the upper level, laughing and yelling "No BATH NO BATH!" and all I want to do is get her bathed and to bed so I can eat some dinner...but most of the time I want to protect that little swagger. So many girls lose that absolute certainty, that confidence in themselves, as they hear from society that they aren't smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough...that they are too loud, too soft, too tall, too short...too whatever...

I want my Maddie to never lose that happy strut, to always have that confident gleam in her eye as she works her way around a room. I have a feeling that nothing can squelch my Maddie's true nature, but I promise to never try, no matter how badly I may want to go inside.

She's not a little baby anymore!

When we first moved to the DC area, I was about 4 1/2 months pregnant and I dutifully trekked from daycare to daycare placing ourselves on the wait list even though Maddie was nothing more than a vague concept and perhaps a little fluttering in my stomach from time to time.

I placed myself on the Childtime wait list, even though I was only 4 1/2 months pregnant because they warned me that despite the fact that I would not need daycare for almost a YEAR, I might not get of the wait list because of the general craziness of this over-saturated area (we won't go through THAT rant again). Anyway....I filled out a form with my application that said:

"What does your child/infant like to do?": Uh...flutter?
"What does your child/infant NOT like to do?": Uh, flutter?
"What does your child/infant like to eat?": Amniotic fluid??

This then progressed when Maddie was an infant to:

"What does your child/infant like to do?": Poop. Cry. Poop
"What does your child/infant NOT like to do?": Take naps.
"What does your child/infant like to eat?": Milk.

And now we can definitely say:

"What does your child/infant like to do?": Play with dogs, snuggle with mom and dad, point to her body parts, listen to music, dance to music, read books, watch Ni Hao Kao, blow bubbles, open the door, go OUTSIDE!

"What does your child/infant NOT like to do?": When she's in a bad mood...anything we want her to do. Come inside after daycare. Have her diaper changed.

"What does your child/infant like to eat?": Everything. Especially if mom is eating it.

My little baby is growing up fast!